NEW JERSEY DODGES A SPITBALL
CHRISTIE’S PERFORMANCE GETS MIXED REVIEWS
By DIXIE WILTON staff writer
TRENTON – As widespread reports of little or no damage from “hurricane” Irene keep pouring in, the Governor is standing by his previous proclamations. Also known as “The Prophet of Doom“, the Governor has deployed a team of investigators to scour the state in search of the “tens of billions” of dollars of damage he assured the public would occur.
As lead investigator, Phil McCracken, put it, “Right now, our number one priority is to help the Governor save face and that’s a rather big face to save. As all New Jerseyans know, he made some pretty wild, irresponsible and downright terrifying statements before tropical storm Irene hit us and it is now up to us to make those statements seem circumspect and prudent. Clearly, we have our work cut out for us…we could be out here a very long time”.
The team is also seeking a way to verify that the governor’s bluster saved the lives of all but 4 of the 8,791,894 residents of the state. “Another tall order” McCracken stated.
On the other hand, merchants state-wide are lauding the Governor as a retailer’s dream come true. The Petroleum Refiners Association of America has honored him with its prestigious Golden Pump Award for the prominent role he played in setting the all-time record for gas sales in a 4 day period in any state.
Association spokesman, Walt Turnbuckle remarked, “Governor Christie really sold those gas-chugging, nimrods a bill of goods. The public’s fear is our shareholder’s gain and he scared the bejesus out of them. We are deeply indebted to him…what a salesman”.
The National Electric Generator Association awarded the governor the organization’s coveted, “#1 Sales “Generator” trophy. In their press release, NEGA communications officer, Shelby Mahoney stated, “Our generous campaign donations to the Governor have produced returns that wildly exceeded our expectations…he paid us back in spades. This guy really knows how to play ball with big business. He’s a great Republican”.
Similar sentiments were echoed by representatives of the grocery, home repair, bottled water and duct tape industries. All of which are also reaping the benefits of the Governor’s doomsday predictions.
The Governor’s office has not responded to our request for a comment for this story.
Belmar residents are kept at bay by police and firefighters as emergency personnel clean up tens of billions of grains of sands.